Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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