I wish I only lived at night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
