new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
