what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
