you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
