I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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