i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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