I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize