My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
