Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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