My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
