She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
