I hate all girls vehemently.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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