I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
