The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
