There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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