Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
