Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
