A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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