At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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