on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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