woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
