cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
