why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
