glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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