Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
