My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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