i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
