you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
