i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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