i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
