Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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