sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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