Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
