porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
