I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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