You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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