When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
