I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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