It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
