also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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