So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
