pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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