I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
