He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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