Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
