I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
