the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
