I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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