census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
