so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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