remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
