My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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