you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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