I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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